It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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