That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
