waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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