does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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