My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
