i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
