my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
