I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't turn off my feet"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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