Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
