3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
