My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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