omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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