K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
