My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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