Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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