if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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