then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
