I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
