morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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