So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
