At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
