so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
