Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
