I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
