Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
