I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We have so much sex to catch up on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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