It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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