it was like his penis was on wheels.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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