I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
