you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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