We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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