hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hippo gnu deer
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
