my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
