My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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