u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
