i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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