she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
