pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
