You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
