yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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