why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
