i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
