I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm bleeding and have questions
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
