I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
