so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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