Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
