Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
