mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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