If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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