Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
