We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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