did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
